I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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