There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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