just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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