her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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