i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
