the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
