I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
