how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Randomize
