Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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