drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
