you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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