you guys were way drunker than both of me
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
