Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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