It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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