You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
