i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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