you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Randomize
