Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
