Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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