my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
