Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
