Will you blow on my dice?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Randomize
