Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
