blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
