My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
