LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
