We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Semen is not good for contacts.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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