ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
