im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
