So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
