Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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