my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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