He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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