I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
