i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
