I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
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