oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
