Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
