why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if only i could text you this smell
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
