Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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