Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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