I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
