Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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