take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
