He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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