I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
