you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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