I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
