I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
