My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
