It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
