WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
