Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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