Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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