Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
