then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My pussy is not your playground.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
