I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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