the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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