i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
