Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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