hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
